I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.