Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Based Erika
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?