Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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No one: I can hear screaming
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*