Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked