Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
And now we wait
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school