I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”