Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Gemma Correll
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful