(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Breaking news:
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
That was easy.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*