If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
You Might Also Like
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I have questions??
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us