*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
You Might Also Like
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?