Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Watermelon Boss!
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter