Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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#FunnyLife Insects
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
#Caturday
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us