[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
We’ve come full circle
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Eat…
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*jingles half the way*
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.