Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Whoa 😂
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.