Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*