I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
just got my engagement photos
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.