[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
This is my favorite one of these!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.