I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED