I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I was bored.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The two types of wives
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?