Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl