DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Doug is just Canadian for dog
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.