Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.