A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
These 3D printers are insane!
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?