there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter