I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Dishonest mechanic?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Labreador
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot