Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Going into Monday like
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.