asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever