You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The devil.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.