I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there