Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
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If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?