Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
That’s fair
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst