“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I forgot how to panic. Help
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.