I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Kermit goes Blue.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?