Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Oceanography is all about current events
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth