Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old