who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You Might Also Like
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
time machine? you mean a clock?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My background check bounced.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?