Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I cannot call her anything else now
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one