“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it