where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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#oldknees
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
i think we should see other cousins
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
consequences, the bane of my existence
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Happy Taco Tuesday
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Good morning.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.