high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”