My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
uh oh
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS