Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?