SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
You Might Also Like
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
#catsoftwitter
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.