friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.