I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
You Might Also Like
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
San Francisco has too many rules
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?