Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
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I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I laughed at this way too hard.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.