Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I have many caverns
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.