Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
And bowling should be called pinball
There are no pants in heaven.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.