I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.