I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.